STRONG SENSE OF SELF***
By author- Alisha Prien
This week has really challenged my Parenting, sense of self, and personality in a lot of ways. I know last time I talked about speaking up, something I am a lot more accustomed to practicing now than I was before. This attitude doesn’t come without hate… More often than not I find the more I speak up, set boundaries and just be myself, the more people seem to not like this version of me. It’s funny, not too long ago I heard a saying that people only like a version of you that best suits them, more and more I’m beginning to think this is true. As a previous people pleaser, having people not respond the way I’m used to is a daily struggle, self-doubt begins to seep in, and I question whether being true to myself is worth the negative response.
Positives that happened by speaking up and being 100 percent honest… Things get done, actions are taken, I’m less stressed, there is more space in my head to focus on what’s most important, my family and my own happiness. Negatives that also happened… Friendships possibly lost, people arguing and implying that this version is not in fact me. Family struggle with the honesty and assume I am either too judgemental now or to argumentative. (let’s be real, everyone judges it’s human nature…) In fact, those who say others are judgemental, are also judgemental, they are just less honest with themselves about doing it.
I even recently came to the realization that if setting boundaries and being honest as a parent meant that my kids didn’t like me for a moment in time, then that’s something I will have to live with. If it means in the future they turn into good, decent adults who learn respect and love, then I’m okay with instilling the rules to get them there in the end. These are all challenges as a parent and all things I’ve come to grips with as I approach the big 30. Being a parent isn’t just about your kid’s happiness, I think there is a misconception about this a lot… Its about what they actually need (guidance, boundaries, to know where they stand and what stability feels like). I’ve always been told its about making them happy, but by giving them whatever they want all we really do is make them more anxious and scared when they go out into the real world, never knowing what real boundaries are and what stability feels like. By only focusing on making them happy, we are setting them up for failure and a future full of chaos, victim mentality and learning to blame others.
Again, I only speak from experience as I come from a background of chaos and a mother who loved me too much. I don’t blame her, in fact I admire her, there is a lot that makes our parents respond a certain way. For my mother she did the best she could with the tools she was given, given her own past being a mum at 19, coming in and out of abusive relationships and many other things, to me this makes her one of the strongest people I know of today. It is because of her I am the person I am today. I know our parenting styles differ, and we may not agree, but I also know that coming from a split parent house, this is what my daughter needs and craves at this point in time… consistency, love, boundaries, and accountability. It’s not easy, and I’ve cried more times than I can count due to the constant mum guilt. Maybe one day, just like how I appreciate my mum, my daughter will realise that all I did for her was because I love her, because loving her means sometimes I won’t be making her happy…. And being myself means I probably won’t make a lot of people happy, but having peace is so much more refreshing than living in constant stress and fear of what others think. :)