FORGIVE AND LET GO…

By Author Alisha Prien

Spencer had his first day of school! I can’t believe how fast time goes, I think I was more nervous for his first day than he was. It’s funny with my Daughter I wasn’t as nervous. If I’m being honest, I think it’s because of how much more reliant Spencer is on us and others just to survive. Spencers disability requires full time care, and it often worries me when I’m not there to make sure his needs are met. It turns out Spencer had a great first week, the Special school was amazing, the staff were all super supportive and Spencer seemed to have a ball. So, I was worried over nothing really.

I often find myself worrying about unnecessary things, I even get worked up over things that I cannot control. I’ve realised there is a lot in my life that I cannot control, my health issues, my son’s disability, how others will respond and react, all things that are simply out of my hands. I’ve always struggled to accept things about myself and my life. I think a lot of us forget to accept and let go. This year I decided I would let go, accept and forgive. It was only today whilst I was talking to a dear friend of mine that I realised there were still some things I hadn’t yet forgiven and accepted.  

I’ve had to accept a lot last year in regard to my son and his disability. I’ve had to accept that Spencer will forever rely on me to be his carer, he will never walk, talk or move like other children. I’ve come to grips with all of this and whilst I’ve accepted many things, I realised today that I hadn’t forgiven others. By forgiveness I don’t mean to those who were horrible and caused great pain in my life, I do not believe you should forgive those who caused you hurt with no remorse. I mean forgiveness for myself, forgiveness for how I acted and how I coped during times of hurt and healing, many things at the time that were never in my control.  I often look back and see a pathetic woman, begging to be loved, begging to be accepted and herd, and I cringe, I hate the thought of the version I once was (desperate for love) willing to accept such horrid treatments from others.

Which brings me to now… I realised that because of this harsh judgement upon myself, I haven’t been able to move forward, below still sits a self-worthy wound that surfaces from time to time. Forgiveness creates love, it creates peace and acceptance. If you’ve ever been hurt or are struggling to accept a phase in life, just take a minute to give yourself kindness and be patient. (I’m still learning to do this) Healing is a messy process, there are many things that we wish we could change or that we wish we did better during this time. We did what we felt was right to survive and cope at the time. Its okay to not be perfect and make mistakes, sometimes things have to get messy and uncomfortable for change and growth to occur so that something bigger and better can enter your life.

Be Kind to yourself and forgive, you deserve it… I deserve it.

(Quote by my mum)